Research shows if someone actively chooses to do something, they feel more involved in the process and more invested in the outcome. When you actively agree to do something, you feel like the decision is yours, and you see it as a reflection of your own preferences and ideals.

This doesn’t happen when you passively commit. That’s why making a plan with your ex will help you both feel a little better about an otherwise painful process. I’ve created a Breakup Contract to help.

Whoa—did she just say “contract”

Yes, I did. I know it seems a little out there, but a few years ago I was struck by the power of active commitment. I wrote the contract to help friends navigate a tricky breakup. Since then, several thousand couples around the world have accessed the online version of my contract, and I’ve received dozens of emails from people about how it helped them manage the end of their relationship. (By the way, breakups are much more complicated if you’re married and/or have kids together. This Breakup Contract is designed for pre-marriage, no-kids relationships.)

Introduce the idea by saying something like: “I know this sounds ridiculous, but I think it might be helpful if we get on the same page about what we both want moving forward. Are you willing to take a look at this with me?”

You don’t have to agree on every point, and you likely won’t. But the contract is a great way to get a tough conversation going while figuring out what would help both of you move on.